Why I Mustn't Judge by Appearances

My friend Bex has taught me many great things (most importantly, never eat an entire cake in one sitting). When I was sixteen, she reminded me that just because a girl looks like the redhead from t.A.T.u. doesn't mean she isn't actually an uptight Catholic and you should invite her to stay in your house during Pride Week.
Anyway, I re-learnt this lesson when I raided the GLBT shelves at Blockbuster last week. As you all know (by all, I mean my readers, aka me) I had my tonsils out last week, so I've been consoling myself by watching comedies and (I had hoped) lots of soft porn.
BUT NO!
From the video store, along with embarrassing favourites like High School Musical, I rented 'Vampyros Lesbos' and 'Girl Play'. Both sound pretty good, eh? Eyebrows, nudge nudge, how's yer father?
WELL. Reviews follow:

Vampyros Lesbos - I watched the whole thing on fast-forward, and I don't think I missed out. This is apparently a B-movie classic. Mostly, there's a lot of angsty close-ups of The Heiress of Dracula looking into the middle distance. Also, scorpions. In the 'sex scenes', everyone's naked, yes, but they seem to have promised the censors they won't touch anyone's naughty bits. Dialogue is sparse and 'symbolic'. It was worth it only for practising my high school German.

Girl Play - Actually about two girls who meet while acting in a play. Bugger. I have to agree with those who believe that the 'good' reviews on IMDB come from relatives, friends and colleagues of the women who made this. What I can't understand is why these two real-life women thought their love story was interesting enough to write a play, and then a movie about it. It was like listening to proud parents talk about their gorgeous baby (the one WE know looks like a frog) for 80 minutes. The leads are irritating: Robin (constantly pouting) delivers her lines as though she's performing a high school English oral, whereas Lacy seems to lead with her huge jaw (and drag her knuckles on the ground). The music and flash-backs are as cheesy as they get. The tell-rather-than-show narration does not translate well from the stage, but more importantly, the characters do NOTHING to endear themselves to the viewer. I just didn't CARE. I kept watching only because I'd paid to rent the damn film, but in hindsight that's 80 minutes of my life I can't get back.
In short: you know how your best friend spends two hours on the phone telling you (without stopping for breaths) just how greatandsplendidandgorgeousandneat her new girlfriend is? That's what this movie is like. Be warned.


That was such a good way to get my (pain-induced) anger out. Ahh. Expect reviews of the others movies, most of which I enjoyed, soon. Before I even tell you about it, you need to rent PROM QUEEN and snuggle down with all your loved ones and a cup of tea to watch it.